From the point of view of relationship psychology, our lives are largely determined by the style of our relationships with other people and how we want to see our place in a world that is constantly changing. The answer to these two questions determines to some extent the direction of our lives. There is no simple rational solution here. It is complex and is influenced by our upbringing, experience, childhood and, among other things, genetic factors.

The relationship matrix discussed in the article is based on the concept of the authors of “Humanistic Leadership Psychology” (Michel Paschen, Erich Diemeyer), where relationships are viewed from the point of view of two polarities. Specifically, we seek close relationships with other people and therefore strive for intimacy and involvement in relationships. Or we may want to separate ourselves from others and strive for individuality and autonomy. Thus, relationship-oriented individuals are open, team-oriented, and easily gain the trust of other team members, while autonomy-oriented individuals are individualistic, more competitive, and constantly strive to stand out from others.

Naturally, this orientation is expressed in different doses among individuals and can vary depending on the context. In some situations we may want closeness, and in others we may want separation. However, in individuals a leading orientation is often noticeable. This is especially noticeable during conflicts. If we observe the people around us and their relationship styles, we will undoubtedly discover the direction of a person's inner compass - individuality, difference and competition, or intimacy and inclusion. There are people who are characterized by the extremes of these two poles, so they are not able to distinguish themselves from others or do not know how to establish relationships.

These two orientations have their own fears. Relationship-oriented people fear loneliness and isolation. People are focused on autonomy - the fear of losing individuality and specialness. As strong as this fear is, so strong and visible is the energy that people expend trying to please and be accepted by others. With the fear of the other polarity, energy is spent on being the center of attention and emphasizing one's superiority whenever possible. These behavioral tendencies have a huge impact on our lives, including our leadership style.

To recognize a tendency in yourself, it is enough to ask the following questions: what is more important to me? Close, open, trusting relationships, common interests, equality with others, a sense of belonging, altruism or, more importantly, distinguishing oneself, achieving more, individuality and a life noticeably different from the lives of others.

The behavioral patterns that characterize both trends are presented in more detail below.

Relationship orientation

The main fear is loneliness and isolation.

When this orientation is strong:

Seeks intimacy with others;

Seeks tasks that are meaningful and help others;

He is open and sensitive to other people;

Emotionally attached to others and forgives other people's mistakes;

In relation to others he is inclined to altruism, communicates peacefully and modestly;

Prefers moral and humane behavior;

Suffering when he feels distance and rejection;

Tries to create a harmonious atmosphere in cooperation;

Doesn't criticize others.

Autonomy orientation:

The main fear is a lack of individuality and significance.

When this orientation is strong:

Seeks admiration and recognition in the eyes of others;

Particular importance is attached to unusualness and individuality;

Emphasizes the difference between them and others;

Extremely confident;

Avoids dependence on others;

Emotionally distant from others;

Treats others with criticism and skepticism;

Copes with conflicts without feeling significant personal burden;

In many situations, there is a feeling of competition with others.

The second fundamental question concerns our identity in a changing world. We can answer this question from two polarities. At one end of the continuum is creating a computational, predictive and manageable framework for yourself in a changing world. This pole is called the balance orientation. People with this orientation seek rules, regularity, predictability, and structure. The second polarity of the continuum is stimulation orientation. Such individuals want to fully experience the vicissitudes of the world. They look for novelty and change in everything; they are characterized by adventurism and curiosity.

Like the polarities of relationship orientation, these directions also have their own fears. Balance-oriented people fear uncertainty, spontaneity, and therefore freedom. This fear is addressed by creating an island of rules, control and predictability.

On the other hand, stimulation-oriented people have a fear of conforming to rules and being static. The worst thing that can happen in their life is to miss out on something important or great. Their fear is attachment, limitation and the impossibility of freedom and spontaneity.

If we look closely, we will find people around us who suffer from a lack of regularity in their lives, when unexpected events require them to be flexible, or when things don't go according to plan. Additionally, there are people around us who really worry about committing themselves to something or someone, be it a life partner, a lifestyle choice, or just a commitment. These people suffer when they have the impression that there is a closed door in their life that cannot be opened.

Focus on balance

The main fear is uncertainty and disorientation.

When this orientation is strong:

Striving for order and security;

Performs tasks conscientiously, thoroughly and tirelessly;

Looking for consistency;

Has established habits;

Is careful about risks;

Acts reliably and conscientiously;

Insists on compliance with rules and punishment for deviations from the rules;

Constantly controlling other people.

stimulus orientation

The main fear is obedience to rules and inviolability.

When this orientation is strong:

Avoids commitment and leaves many options open;

Copes with a variety of situations flexibly and spontaneously;

Leave the past behind and try something new;

Takes risks;

He approaches new topics and challenges with imagination and curiosity;

Ends relationships and starts new ones if it offers new experiences and adventures.

All orientations manifest themselves in each of us with different priorities and to varying degrees, and, naturally, this also applies to leadership relationships - leadership relationships, their different motivations and behavior patterns pass through these four orientations. Our dominant characteristics are most clearly felt in conflict. Therefore, it is especially important for leaders to understand the basic orientations and polarities in themselves, which in itself makes it easier to see and accept others, as well as prevent conflicts and manage them effectively.